Jesus was last seen entering a minivan driven by Yahweh, his real father, after the deity promised to "take him to the zoo and buy him all the cotton candy he could eat." Last seen wearing a robe with a Hello Kitty on it, some kind of sash, and a thorny crown. Jesus has easily recognizable scars on his hands, feet, and side. May be carrying a cross. May be working in a restaurant, multiplying loaves and fishes. Above photo is age progressed to show Jesus at 2,009 years of age. Call the FBI immediately if you see Jesus or Yahweh. Jesus is diabetic and requires his medication.

...and it hasn't happened in some time, but I must warn you: If you attempt to engage me in a gross-out contest, despite my staid and sedate exterior, you will lose.

I'm filled with grotesque blasphemies. It's made writing the novel difficult.