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Jack Shtick

Some people think that hell is going to be one long party! Well, I'm here to tell you that's not the way it is at all! Hell is only going to be like one long party, until 3 a.m., when, as you're telling your story about how crunked up you got at that one college party that one time you did that exotic bird dance on the hood of a cop car and then, like, the cops saw you you and you were totally like "BLARRRGGGH!" and threw up on the windshield and... Suddenly, you notice Satan is checking his watch and yawning a lot, and he seems to be wearing pajamas. "Boy, look at the time!" says Satan. "Man, have I got a lot of work to do tomorrow. Boy! Have to get up and start torturing damned souls at 5 a.m.. Yeah, boy... Those souls won't torture themselves, will they?" Then you ask if there's any more salsa and chips, and he sighs audibly and says he'll check the fridge. Then, while he's doing that, you go over to the stereo and start blasting "Atomic Dog." "Wooo! WOOOOOOO!!!! Datomic Ogg!" you scream, still drinking directly from the bottle of Mudslide, flailing your arms around and stomping up and down. Then the downstairs neighbor begins hitting the ceiling with his pitchfork, screaming at you to SHUT THE HELL UP! Satan comes back, and he looks worried. "Man, you're going to get me evicted!" he says. "C'mon, man, time to go home. I'll call you a cab." "You... You... YOU'RE A CAB! POOF! PAH-HAHAHAHA! I love that one!" you say. "Hey, les... les... call SOME OF THE GIRLS, MANG!!! The little one-eyed explorer wanna go spelunking in the fish mines, you know what I'm saying, Lucifer, ol'... ol' pal?" "Yeah... yeah, I get it," says Satan crossly, already planning to erase your name from his address book the first chance he gets. "C'mon, cab's here. Get out," he says. "Mang, the sun's not even out! Jesus fish, Satan, you've turned into a total corporate ASSHOLE! Hey!" You suddenly become very animated. "Hey! Jesus! What's he doing right now? Whattya say we call him?" "Jesus and I aren't talking anymore, you know that, you jerk," says Satan. "Awwwww... Fug, mannnnn... Thas... thas so SAD!' Then you start crying into Satan's lapels until you pass out. When you wake up, you're on your front porch, and the word ASSWIPE is written on your forehead with indelible blood ink. It's backwards, so you know you did it yourself in a mirror.

Yeah, THAT'S what HELL is like!


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Nov. 29th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
If all they have to drink in hell is pre-mixed bottle of mudslide, I repent.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


Shriner Dan
Dan Kelly


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