January 27th, 2006

Shriner Dan

(no subject)

It's Friday!

Oh no! Lisa's received a tiger prosthesis! Now she can only pick up things cutely.

Note: Thank you to everyone who pointed out Lisa Loeb's new show to me. I don't have cable, so I've only been able to watch video recaps online. I'm divided. Lisa is adorable, of course, but the show is a little too contrived. It may be wishful thinking, but the moment when she tells her sister she doesn't really want to sex up her fashion sense because that wouldn't be her seemed more real than her later attempts to talk with seaminess about waxing and tacky underwear.

Her sister Debbie is trying too hard to be her Lord Henry, attempting to talk her into buying clothing Paris Hilton would find in poor taste. Say, who's pushing this idea that men like women dressed as if they just rolled out of bed at a talentless drag queen's house and threw on whatever they found on the floor? For God's sake, look at the Gilmore Girls. As demonstrated by Lauren Graham's sudden inexplicable cleavage explosion, she and Alexis Beidel look sexier in their Connecticut ensembles of sweaters and jeans than if they, say, slutbombed themselves the Frederick's of Hollywood way. Lisa dresses like a nun and she looks terribly hot. As someone pointed out, she's one of the few people out there who can wear a turtleneck and not look frumpy. Excuse my chauvinist piggery, but I prefer dames to dress simply and neatly, and to look as if they, you know, bathe.

Oh yes. The opening close-up of her face is disturbing. It has that post-undertaker look, as if she's been lacquered and buffed.

You leave Lisa alone!
Mind Control Helmet

(no subject)

My Report on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Friend or Foe?
By Dan Kelly

Over 250 years ago, Amadeus Mozart was born in Salzburg, Austria, a city famed for its salsa. After being born, he was bitten by a werewolf and was renamed Wolfgang Jack, because he later killed the wolf that bit him and led the pack in midnight missions of terror. He went on to impress his musical contemporaries, like Beethoven and Strom Thurmond by writing the same strings of ascending and descending notes over and over again while saying vulgar things like "bottom" and "fannypack" and giggling. He later became a freemason and founded America with Benjamin Franklin and Falco. His last masterpiece was "Requiem for a Heavyweight," and it is thought that Rod Serling killed him. But it was actually F. Murray Abraham who killed him and ate his brains to gain his musical genius. But it was for naught, though Abraham received an Oscar from a grateful nation before freeing the slaves.